Archive for the ‘Travel’ Category

altered groundlessness.

Posted: December 2, 2012 in Crossfit, Growth, meditation, Relationships, Travel, writing
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i have a confession to make. i have not been completely honest with you, my readers. and i want to change that. one of my best friend’s called me out on this the other day. she told me that she loves to read my blog posts and enjoys that i channel my experiences into a positive outcome but, that i am not being completely honest. because, what she loves about my self-expression, is that i am not afraid to show my pain, my sadness and my frustrations through my writing. and i have not really been doing that. the past six months have been complete chaos transformed into the deepest-darkest holes and caverns. to the point where i did not want to exist. and that is my truth.

‘altered groundlessness’ is the best way i can describe my current life situation.
five months ago, i thought that having my girlfriend breakup with me on my 29th birthday was about the lowest life could take me but the universe decided to throw even more complications into the mix a few months later. all of my expectations of 2012 have completely gone out the window and i’m not even close to where i had started.
i realized i had finally hit rock bottom.

When the sweet ache of being alive, lodged between who you are and who you will be, is awakened, befriend this moment. It will guide you. Its sweetness is what holds you. Its ache is what moves you on. -Mark Nepo

woman

basically, after getting my heart broken, i made the choice to move on and everything was going great! i was doing awesome at my job, (despite the daily hysterical breakdowns in my car), my home situation was amazing and i fell in love with all my roommates, i was gaining strength and speed in the gym and i had a new appreciation for life and the challenges it gives us! but, a black cloud was quietly hanging over me. i didn’t see it coming because i was choosing to ignore it. i was having so much fun with life that i didn’t want to acknowledge that i was sick and depressed and that there was something deeper going on.
then, i realized that the icing on the cake of my life was black mold.

two months ago, it was confirmed that Stachybotrys, otherwise know as black mold, was in my home. let me tell you, this stuff is serious and it can do major damage to a person’s immune system and mental health. all of which i was experiencing first hand. after two months of being sick, i intuitively knew something else had to be going on with my body. i was experiencing many of the major toxic mold symptoms such as: fatigue, unable to concentrate, night sweats, hives, hormonal imbalance, loss of appetite, persistent cough, join pain and mental instability. it is crazy that something so small can attack your body and drain your immune system to the very core! i knew it was time to get out of that house for good. i reached out to my crossfit community and they provided a place for me to stay until i found something more permanent. i was being taken care of in terms of shelter and support but the next step was taking care of myself and healing my body, mind and heart.

consequently, over the past two months, the “altered groudlessness” of my life has been teaching me a lot. like. a LOT. to help me cope with the uncertainty of life, i decided to follow along with a 21 day meditation challenge through the Deepak Chopra Center. this challenge focused on abundance and gratefulness on one’s life. i certainly had a lot to be grateful for and these daily intentions helped to bring that to awareness and become alive in my heart! i then went one step further and created a physical place of grounding in my temporary room with an alter.

“As I let go of the need to arrange my life, the universe brings abundant good to me.”

alters allow you to have a your own sacred space wherever you roam. it is the intention you put into that space that comes alive and can bring fourth many things in you life.

alters allow you to have a your own sacred space wherever you roam. it is the intention you put into that space that comes alive and can bring fourth many things in you life.

i share my experiences not to receive pity, but in hopes that whoever is reading them will feel inspired by my rawness and expression of the challenges in my life. the level of grief that i have experienced over the past few months has been deep. dark. and intense. but, it has also been filled with a level of growth i did not expect! i have been provided for and supported and loved in so many ways that my heart overflows with the feelings of gratefulness. but, what i have learned the most is that it takes work. you have to work through the pain and heartache. and you will have set backs. and you will have gains. and just when you think you are riding smoothly, the biggest wave will crush you and send you to the bottom. this is the real test. then, when you can stand up and climb out of that pit, this is when you know that the work you have been doing internally has paid off. you truly do have the strength to live on.

you have to honor yourself. love yourself. respect yourself and be at peace with who you are and where you are in life. i know that i will feel different levels of pain and grief throughout my lifetime but with each experience, i am empowered by the challenge to work through it and love myself through it all. namaste.

alive in nature!

Posted: November 24, 2012 in Growth, Nature, Travel
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in this present moment, i am so grateful for the beautiful world i live in. i just had to share some of these pictures that capture only an essence of what is seen by your eyes and felt with your heart. enjoy!

pacific coast highway 1 overlook.

pacific coast highway 1 overlook.

pacific coast highway 1. so grateful!! <3

almost sunset. stinson beach. thanksgiving day.

sunset. stinson beach. thanksgiving day.

baltimore canyon falls. mill valley, ca.

caught in the web of illusion. baltimore canyon. mill valley, ca.

daybreak. baltimore canyon falls. mill valley, ca.

labyrinth. fairfax, ca.

balancing act.

“It seems that intuitive listening requires us to still our minds until the beauty of things older than our minds can find us.”

-Mark Nepo (from Seven Thousand Ways to Listen)

top 10 ways to overcome ANY broken heart.

Posted: July 26, 2012 in Chocolatl, Crossfit, Relationships, Travel, Uncategorized
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we all experience heartbreak at some point in our lives.
that moment in time when we feel like we are the ONLY person in the entire universe that is going through the pain of separation, heartache, abandonment, disconnect and sadness. it can be from many different forms of a relationship. from losing a loved one or cherished pet; a friendship that dissolves or the loss of an intimate partner relationship. these experiences all hurt in different ways and bring a new level of challenges to overcome and get through.

lyrics from “Raise Hell” by Brandi Carlile

i am currently in the process of healing a broken heart for the loss of my lover and best friend. while i experience days when i feel like i will never get past these feelings, i remind myself that there is a chance in every moment to shift your perspective and remind yourself of your own power and love. so, i made a list for myself on how to heal a broken heart. perhaps one of these ideas will help you through a rough spot and to see the light that shines within you!

1. raw cacao. allow yourself to eat as much raw chocolate as you desire. any time. any where. and enjoy every bite of it!
2. dance in your bedroom. alone.  dance to the Spice Girls or any nostalgic childhood music that brings you happiness and joy! jump up and down, sing, stretch and have fun with the beat of the songs. Zigazig ah!

3. create. i started to paint and draw with oil pastels again. (picture above) to release my feelings that i was unable to find words for. this has been very therapeutic and enjoyable.
4. explore. spending time in nature can be extremely healing. step outside, breath, and take it all in. i am grateful to watch the fawn and young bucks play in the hills across my house; picking fresh blackberries and figs on my daily walks and sitting in our garden!

this little caterpillar was just chillin on some cilantro in our garden!

5. take yourself on a date! each week i pick an activity to treat myself to, from a movie, concert, a talk or special dinner. it gives me a chance to appreciate myself and that i deserve the very best!

6. cheesy love songs. you know all those annoying love songs you hear on the radio? well, next time, sing them to YOURSELF! after doing this for a while, you will begin to smile and laugh and remember that you are your number one lover in life!

7. socialization of creation. join a group or activity that involves something completely new for you! i recently started to learn tracking skills! i am part of the Catscapes series in Marin that tracks pumas and bob cats and will also take a course on tracking other wild animals in the area this fall!


8. lift heavy things! or just move around and be active. i have continued with my strength training and crossfit and know that it helps in the healing process as well plus i am surrounded by an amazing community that supports me outside the box.

9. read. travel away and get lost in a book! it is a great way to relax and take your mind off of your current situation or feelings for a while. stimulates your brain and creative process as well!

10. mediate. most importantly, sit with your thoughts and feelings. even if it is for only five minutes. our busy life can push what we are really feeling or transfer it through stress, bad diet, anger, frustration and numbness. and it is ok to feel these things but from the teachings of Pema Chodron, learn to be in it and to feel it all. the only way to get through hard times is to lean into them. be with them in each moment.

to any of you who are reading, for whatever broken heart you may be suffering from, remember that it will get better. take each day at a time. reach out to family and friends for support. stay busy with healthy activities and always find quiet time to be with your feelings and thoughts. i look back at my first remembrance of a broke heart and thought i would never move on, but here i am. again. and i know that life has crazy twists and turns for a reason. there is something more amazing out there just waiting to be discovered, if you continue to stay open and just take a leap…!

empowered by the cacao. part 2.

Posted: February 19, 2012 in Travel
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i had my cacao pods tattoo finished this weekend. it looks absolutely beautiful. truely embodies the power and energy that i feel from the delicious fruit. i was so fortunate to have found an artist who was able to bring my idea to life and paint a picture on my body.

to read more about cacao and what inspired this recent tattoo, check out my first post “empowered by the cacao”.

special thanks to Micah, of Black n’ Blue Tattoo in San Francosco, for sharing her artistic talent with the world.

empowered by the cacao.

Posted: December 27, 2011 in Chocolatl, Travel
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cacao pod tattoo (in progress)

the urge to feel physical pain had been gnawing at me for quite some time. while my heart had been in the process of feeling pain and offering forgiveness, i needed to feel it on my skin. i was craving the needle. craving the color. the ink. i was craving to have the birth of a deep-rooted design which has meaning in my life etched upon my skin forever. then, while meditating one night, the cacao pods spoke. i looked up and felt a beam of light pulsing from my heart to my altar which is covered in cacao beans i collected during my trip in Ecuador. it struck me and i immediately knew i was ready for another tattoo.

my trip to Ecuador was nothing short than amazing. i experienced every emotion under the sun during those two weeks but the last three days are what changed my life. my intention for the trip was to be alone and experience the incredible power of letting go and trusting the universe will provide no matter what comes my way. near the end of my trek, i was disappointed i had not been given the chance to play among the cacao trees. i had been seeking them out and asking the chocolate gods to show me the way but nothing had happened until i arrived in Tena. this was the last city i had planned to visit before i would return to the states, although, when the bus dropped me off, i wanted to go back to Banos. i had no desire to be surrounded by more tourists and covered in the dirt and smell of pollution. i felt discouraged and let down and halfheartedly wandered around until i found a decent hostel. i checked in and went up to my room. i sat down on the bed and said to myself, “seriously, heidi. this is how you are going to end your trip. there has got to be something more out there.”

ripe cacao pod

i walked downstairs to check my email in hopes of finding comfort from a message or a friend to chat with online. after almost two weeks of zero physical contact, my heart was aching with just the thought of a snuggle fest with my girlfriend. what i would give to be at home. but. still. this quiet voice in my heart kept saying that there was more for me to discover. my intuition was beating loud at the door and while i was not very present to hear the voice, my eyes were open to seeing the words and i spied a small flyer that read, “Chocolate Jungle Lodge“.

my body moved so fast that i felt like i was floating. i ran to the nearest phone and called the lodge to see if they had space for the weekend. my heart was racing and my whole body was sweating with excitement! the man on the other line said that i had 45 minutes to get to the dock and join a group of five friends from Austria and ride across the river to the lodge. i raced to my room, grabbed my gear and hopped in a taxi that was conveniently in front of the hostel. the drive to Misahualli dragged on for hours. or so it seemed to me. my mind was racing. the intention had been placed and all i had to do was let go of the outcome and then the cacao was brought to me! i was sitting in the back of the taxi with the biggest smile on my face! i had not experienced that much happiness during my trip until that moment. all of the hardship and heartache that i felt during the previous ten days was for this moment. to be on the way to play, explore and sleep in the land of the cacao!

mayan cacao god and pods.

this moment changed my life: i stepped off the boat and was brought to my room. it was pitch dark and i had no idea i was walking along cacao trees on the way to the lodge. my eyes were adjusting to the darkness and my heart was on fire. pulsing so hugely that i thought i was going to burst. then. i was alone again. i opened the door and that is when my breath was simply taken away. in front of me was the first cacao tree i ever laid eyes on and i began to cry. i cried for the happiness and sadness that i had experienced during my time in Ecuador. i cried and laughed at the craziness i went through to get to this one moment in time that will forever be a part of my world. through my eyes; only i can see what it meant to me. the expression of my heart and the tickle on my taste buds. knowing that i have eaten the most amazing chocolate that is produced from Ecuadorian cacao beans and then to be standing among them; this moment was pure bliss. it was one of my dreams brought to light!

this is a picture of the first cacao tree i saw!

this moment is what i have captured on my arm. the depiction that has been inked into my skin is from a picture of the first cacao tree i saw that night. the branch holding space for the perfectly placed cacao pods; one fully ripe with the fruity cacao beans and the other was in the beginning stages of life. they perfectly captured my experience of those two weeks in Ecuador. i ventured on that trip to break free from my shell and learn what it was like to explore life beyond my comfort zone and to dive into all that the world has to offer.

my cacao plant tattoo that is in progress.

tattoos take on various expressions for each individual person. for me, they tell a story and have deep meaning. my cacao plant tattoo is a way for me to express my love for chocolate and creates a pathway to open up a conversation with others and share the journey i am on. i do not let my tattoos define me. instead, they are a direct replica of what is painted inside my heart and now inked into my skin for the world to see.

i am so grateful for the opportunity i had to travel through Ecuador and the experience of having one of my dreams come true. these are the moments we live for and strive to create. but, in the creating, we have to be patient and understanding of how the universe is meant to unfold for us. we may be walking the right path but in order to create the dreams and desires of your heart, you must let go and trust your intuition. for your heart speaks louder than words and they are always flowing, if you simply open up and trust in your soul.

below is a video i made during my stay on the cacao plantation. please watch it to discover more about my journey and raw cacao!